Falling Apart to Fall Into Place (1/4)

So to start this part of the journey, it is imperative that I back up a bit and share the events that set this course in motion; the spark that ignited this flame. In June of 2014 I came to discover that my husband was seeing someone else. Yes, it felt like a bomb dropped, and yet, I was not surprised. I saw it coming a year prior.

When I first decided I wanted to learn to teach yoga, it was simply because I wanted to share the practice with my family. “How can I help them feel physically better in their bodies?” That was my question. Then, I wanted to be able to help anyone around me who had pain, or some sort of ailment that I knew yoga could assist with. Once I hit teacher training, it started to expand even more. I wanted the ability to help Everyone. Ha! Well, its true.

Yoga, however, is about so much more than the physical as I would soon discover. As I began to step more and more into my own being, my truest, highest self, my life started to change. How that change manifested on the outside, I’m not quite sure. I noticed because my husband started to behave differently. I was stepping into my own truth, I was honoring me, and he did not know how to take that. A man who is not comfortable with change was with a woman who was transforming. I knew from the beginning of my 200 hour teacher training program in late 2012 that our marriage was not going to serve me, or him, going forward into this next phase of my life, or his to be honest. I knew that in order for him to grow too, some things needed to shift. In order for me to fly, I needed to be set free. But these things are scary, aren’t they? Leaving anything that seems or feels solid or substantial can look like irresponsibility. When the real lack of responsibility and kindness to ourselves and others lies in staying where we are no longer serving a true purpose, no longer thriving and happy; be it a job that we hate or a relationship that truly doesn’t feel or act like love.

On the last day of 200-hr TT, early March 2013, we had a closing ceremony. There was a candle lit in the center of the room. We were to write on two separate pieces of paper, 1. what we wanted to release from our lives, and burn that. 2. what we wanted to call in. This was new to me, and I don’t often find myself creative in this aspect. Hmm, what do I? I took my pen and piece of paper; first, release. Immediately, without provocation, I heard my husbands name from deep within my soul. Brandon. Wow! I knew it to be truth, but it scared the shit out me. I can’t go there. I tried that once, tried to leave, but it didn’t work. I’m not writing that, I thought. How about I write, expectation. Thats a great thing to release. So I did.

However, the truth quickly became very clear to me. That’s what happens when you are in touch with your highest self. You cannot lie to you. I knew that how I felt in my marriage was not how I wanted to feel in love. I knew I was also to blame, I just didn’t know what to do. So I prayed. Lord, if I am truly meant to be with this man going into the next phase of my life, then please show me how to love him better, because I am failing. If I am meant to go through this next phase without him, then he has to be the one to leave, and I will be eternally grateful. See, right there. That was really all the answer I needed. My truth raw and real, the honesty of what I really wanted. However, I needed confirmation from God. If it is in our best interest, individually and as a couple to go our separate ways, then my husband has to be the one to leave. I tried to go once, and I doubted myself. It had to be him this time. It was then that I began to be hit with these images of my husband falling in love with another woman. It hit me hard and I knew the truth of it. That was the only way he would let me go. He would have to see for himself, an alternative. Ok. That would hurt, but ok. I want him to be happy. I want him to be loved and adored and cared for. I could not give him that, and I will not deny him joy. I released that possibility and chose to continue to love him with all I had in the interim.

Eventually, in carrying on with my life, I would start visiting open houses. If we were gonna do this thing, I wanted to see about getting settled. I had a vision placed in my heart, a truthfulness that resonated deeply, but I went about the business of the moment, which was living. I didn’t forget my prayer, but I wanted to give each moment its opportunity. The final nail in the coffin, I believe, was when I decided for my 40th birthday that I wanted to take myself to Mexico on a yoga retreat with my teacher. The cost was so reasonable, financially. It would eventually, however, cost me my marriage. I felt very strongly that I had to do it though. I didn’t know when I would have another chance, but more importantly, something inside me felt the need to know how to run one. So I went. I did it for me. I would be branded as a completely selfish person. Probably wasn’t the first time.

So once the ball dropped, I was like, oh shit, it’s fucking go time. Seriously, did this really just happen? Surreal. The deepest sense of surrealism I have ever experienced and possibly will ever again. For two full days I felt like I was walking around in a dream space, an alternative universe. Stunned, shocked. I manifested this. I saw it, I released it, it happened. I am aware that it was not me placing those images, but the Universal truth, God, preparing me for what was to come. I did not expect it to hit me as hard as it did. Still, in my doubting heart, is this really it? Are we really done? Have we played out every possibility? Are we going to get through this one too? I knew in my guts I was being set free and I was so grateful, and scared. I am a doubter by nature and I needed God to handle this one. And handle it He did. Each time I let myself entertain reconciliation, the Universe showed me why that was not to be. And I experienced even more relief. If I get the chance to live another of my greatest hearts desires, I will write the book. That will be a good read!

So, here I am standing in the middle of this situation, taking inventory of my life. I have lost two jobs in the last year due to restaurant closures. My savings is nonexistent. I have accrued quite a bit of credit card debt recently. And I was 2 months out from beginning the 300-hr teacher training. I had hoped, planned, thought that I would have the opportunity to not have to work too much so that I may put all of my energy and time into study. How in the hell was I going to move out? WTF had I gotten myself into? My whole life I had kept a full-time job, health insurance, blah blah. Now, when I actually needed the net, it was gone. (or so it would appear)

As life would have it, I remained at home for about three months preparing for whatever the hell was next. Brandon and I were able to talk a lot. We were always friends and we cared deeply for and about each other. But shit, he was seeing someone else, and I was still living there.

Solace would come in the form of a friend of a friend who was in a band. He traveled a lot for 2-3 weeks at a time. He had a place in the Hollywood Hills and offered it to me. Oh thank you sweet baby Jesus. Respite. A place to land and regroup for a bit. This would be my first move. I had started teacher training and this was a place for me to be completely alone. I had a large outdoor patio that sat on the corner of a hill. The Hollywood sign to was to my left, downtown to my right. What a blessing and a gift. I would make the move back and forth here three times. Each time I questioned, what the hell am I doing with my life?

From the very first moment this all began to occur, I was forced into completely living in the moment. I always say that if God, the Universe, wants you out of or into a situation, She will make that happen if you don’t. Here was mine. I had never been able to live presently. Oh I was now. I could not see one day ahead of me. I was completely here, now, with each action, each thought, and it was liberating. My worry about the future disappeared in a sense as I allowed each day to play itself out. I was not in control of all that was happening around me, but I was in control of me. I began to truly experience the presence that I teach on the mat. It was so beautiful to me that I could not be mad at the pain. I understood what is meant by the “observer”. I was and I am the observer. I watched the pain and anger flash across my human being, and I knew that I, my true Self was just fine underneath. I was having the experience, but I was not ruled by it.

This is the place where I began to visualize how I wanted my life to look and feel. I could have gotten caught up in destructive thoughts and actions, but I chose to use this inevitable platform to spring myself forward into the life I always wanted to live. It is amazing to me to see how the Universe works. When I sit back and watch the events unfold around me, I am in awe. I began my TT and initiated the journey into my truth. At the end of that six months, God confirmed for me what was already in my heart by placing my husbands name at the forefront of what to release. There was nothing else there but him. A month later (and I didn’t even put that timeline together until I started writing this, mind blown) the images, the knowledge of what was to come, were shown to me in an undeniable way. Once the events were set into motion, I had two groups of women come into my life. I almost said randomly. haha nothing is random. One was an abundance group led by a wonderful woman who was my therapist for a time. The second was a group of likeminded ladies led by an intuitive friend, or two. We would meet at each new moon and discuss what we wanted to invite into our lives and what we wanted to release. There was that again. So the inner work that I alone had been doing most of my life would now take a deeper plunge surrounded and supported by others. My perception of the world would broaden yet again. All of these pieces were falling into place without me even having to try, or ask. I surrendered and I was upheld.

At this point in my life I could not see what was to come, I just kept taking the steps before me. Trust and surrender. God only gives us enough light for the step ahead, we don’t get to see the whole staircase. This truth had a profound impact on me the first time I heard it. I have been paying that phrase forward ever since. I only realized quite recently that it was Martin Luther King, Jr who said it. It is biblical of course, but he had a way with words, didn’t he? Well, sometimes we get a glimpse. Trust that vision and surrender to the process.

Thank you so much for listening, and taking this journey with me. I know this one is really long. Next week I will share with you more about my year as a nomad and how that prepared me for where I sit today.


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